I'm sitting here listening to "Twilight Serenade" by Jason Myles and for no reason, I start tearing up. I just took a shower and realized to myself that the way I handle issues I'm not happy about is exactly the way I don't want to handle issues and jabber to people about when someone else handles it the way I do....I don't want that anymore.
I wasn't always this way, I used to handle things with actual maturity and let it go, roll right off my shoulders not let something fester inside of me until I explode...ok well not minuet things like they have been. I guess...I guess I'm just not happy with who I am, in the time I've had to "grow-up" and "mature." It's one thing to handle a situation with grace and let things be, it's another to build it up inside of you and make you an angry person, someone who just subconsciously believes the world is against you. It takes a slap in the face from someone you not only respect but really care about to make you look in the mirror and face reality, but then what? I guess people...people being me...have to choice to either dwell still in the pit of shame, or cry a little, write a little, and change.
David says I'm afraid of change...I think he's right. But it's something that doesn't happen with ease right? It takes time, patience, and a hell of a lot of hard work...and I'm up for that. I need to just realize things that make me happy, stop trying to pull myself in different directions, and just go for it.
Writing is therapeutic, and I know I'll do it..whether it be here or on a scrap piece of paper.
Now I'm listening to "Come Back Around" by Matt Brouwer. I remember a time when I used to have music around me whenever I could...I think I'll bring that back around. I need to stop hiding from what I love and just go for it, regardless of how many broken friendships, unanswered questions, and broken dreams lie behind it...above it all there was laughter, smiles, and amazing friendships regardless of how they ended up.
Everything happens for a reason.
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