I'm guessing this happens to everyone, but then again..maybe not?

You know when you just have so much on your mind, or something has impacted you so much that you can't sleep...even if you try to?

The past 3-4 night I haven't been able to sleep. I guess it has something to do with the fact that around that time I found out that someone that I had known passed away. He helped me so much during one event in my life, one important event that if I didn't have him there, I would have been completely humiliated and fell flat on my face...he one of those rare genuine people your probably meet only once in your lifetime, and a few days ago he lost his battle with cancer.

I don't feel right mourning, I never do...same thing happened with Raymund when he passed away, I didn't feel right mourning...maybe its because I didn't know them as well as everyone else has, but I mean still...someone that has impacted your life or you've had in your life through family and friends, its still...hard. I think that's the big thing about me, I don't want people to wonder or worry if I'm taking things hard...I can just deal with it, and it's not a bad thing...there are other people there who need them more then I do...but thats where it comes to get me...when I do eventually need someone there, it's hard for them and usually no one comes along, or usually thats the case.

I don't know...I haven't been able to sleep, I'm past the crying stage, past the "Why?' stage, and just now am here, not being able to sleep...and just thinking. I guess it just scares me that a lot of people close in my life have had someone pass away or get very sick these past 6 months or so...

But anyway I'm just rambling. I just needed to write :) thanks.

A letter...plain and simple.

Remember me? A long time ago, you and I, we used to be close friends...present day...you probably have no idea who I am. I've become this long forgotten figment of your mind, Is it because I never really wanted you to see what I looked like back then? Or merely the lack of convince of the time, no digital cameras, no scanner, no picture. I guess I didn't try hard enough, and honestly I think it's because I never thought I would have to fight to find the truth, fight to find out if that friendship was real, fight to see if I'm real in your world. I guess I always believed that you and I were just that...you and I, that we fit together and would be friends no matter how long we didn't talk to one another, I loved you...not in that sense but in the sense that you were family, you were like an older brother to me...and I guess I always believed that it would always be that way no matter what, but...I was wrong.

I never thought that I would be fighting this fight...the fight to find out the truth. Not to say its not a fight worth fighting...if that makes any sense. A couple weeks ago I saw you, I told you who I was and all I got was a blank stare...I was heartbroken. You had asked me again what my name was, and maybe I just hoped for some kind of recognition that little voice inside your head yelling at you telling you who I was...nothing. I left the room completely numb and utterly confused. This fragile heart that I prayed to God to keep a comforting hand on...shattered into a million pieces and I didn't know how to take it. I wanted to cry, but I didn't...I wanted to get mad, but I couldn't...I wanted to yell out and ask for the truth, but words wouldn't escape me. I was baffled beyond belief, and then I heard your voice again, and my heart shattered again...realizing the reality of the situation, you had no idea who I was.

It didn't help that night a song I kept close to me was played and I wanted to breakdown right then and there...but I didn't. For some reason or another at that point I was looking at you and your brothers, friends, and everyone else...and something clicked in my mind...something about that situation made me realize that I needed to enjoy what I have when I have it and not to hold on to the past or look towards the future. To enjoy the present, and not dwell in something I couldn't control...and not try to control what I wanted the situation to turn out to be. God and Life that day taught me the biggest lesson I've learned in life...to not try to look into the future but live in the present, let things fall as they may, but don't try to see what will happen in advance, because by doing that, your risking your future and risking the opportunities. I took your friendship for granted when I had it, I learned my lesson and if ever given the opportunity again to share that friendship we had...I would hold onto it and cherish it like I do my close friendships today.

I saw you the next day, you actually bumped into me a few times while you were talking to some people, I didn't say a word, you seem to be walking the same pace I was, but I still didn't say a word. You were always busy, and I didn't feel like it was right, so I stayed behind walking, talking and having fun with my love, every once in a while you'd somehow end up either beside me or around me no matter how hard I tried to avoid it, but I honestly think you didn't notice...the only reason I noticed was because I was being pushed, literally, to notice.

I didn't stay afterwords, I didn't feel like it was right for me to stay at that point and time, maybe because I felt something needed to be done, like time needed to play its course, events need to happen, and maybe...if it's meant to happen, we'll be given that opportunity to meet again. Maybe this time you'll know who I am, and if you don't it's still okay, I'd still fight to find that friendship again, and if it didn't work, then it doesn't work.

I always remember thinking to myself the one thing I wanted the most was to have you there when I would be getting married, having you and other close friends and family beside me, so that I could have all the people I care about the most in the world in one room, even for just that one day. I know now it probably won't be a possibility...we went down two different roads, and even though they may parallel each other, who knows if they will cross and meet again...and even then, would you remember who I was?

Your friendship is something I haven't found in anyone else. I hope you always remember that. It will always be the one thing I wish I could tell you.

Always,
Jamie

It's' funny when one of the best days of your life can also be one of the worst...I'll explain later, I just wanted to point that out...oh life sometimes you're so cruel in your teachings, but oh well c'est la vie

A Realization...

...so I'm sitting here going through facebook just messing around and I'm just looking at these absolutly beautiful pictures of my friends, whether it's just going on vacations or having actually having a photo shoot...

and I realize something.

All the time I spend stressing out about school, work, politics, whatever wants to stress me out that day...I tend to forget the more precious and beautiful things in life. I see smiles I haven't seen in a while because I've been so busy, I see things that just look absolutly gorgeous but so damn simple...and then it made me remember truly why I want to be a make-up artist and why I want to study photography...why I love the theatre, and why I love the arts...why my first love is music, and why it will never let me go.

...I want to capture all the beauty, the happiness I see...and just keep them as reminders for everyone, so when they are frustrated about how politics are, when they are frustrated at their grades or stressed out about a show...they look at those pictures, they listen to that little tune and smile just a little bit, just remembering the things that really matter in life.
I just thought it was something I should share...It sounds a little crazy, but I don't know, It just hit me in between the eyes not even 5 minutes ago.

I just thought I'd let you guys know that I care and love you all, I don't say it enough and I'm never around to show it, but I'm always here, and I will always care :) so smile.

Cut the hair

it is interesting, I cut it really short....hm.

So nothing new going on, after the fire post the next day I went outside and it was blue skies, I also happen to lose my keys and so that was an adventure in its own trying to find them. I later found them underneath the couch :) hehe

Anyway, so I made an appointment with the transfer counslor again, hopefully I can find out if I can apply to get into a University as a "probationary acceptance" considering I couldn't add the class I needed to this semester to get in. I'm nervous about my Bio test, In the lab class I have a C+, B-....I was 1 Point away from a B, can you believe that? but It was my fault for not studying ya know? Anyway the Bio class lecture...I'm not sure how I'm doing, I know I have a C but I just don't know if I comprehend enough to actually pass the class...hopefully I do and hopefully I won't have to take it again next semester...this is tough. When next semester comes along I have 16 units to complete...all of them academics, at least one will have to do with my major...the Drama Literature class...the others, not so much its Communications, Math 101, French I, and something else...Poly Sci? I'm not sure...

Whew...So I know I'm boring when I write this but ha it's alright, I think I do this mainly for my own sanity and journal keepings haha.

When we went down to Davids aunts house she made an interesting comment about how I should draw on a larger canvas...I've been drawing on a small pad because of convinence, I'm going to try and start drawing on a larger scale...we'll see.

Anyway pictures below of what I've drawn lately, I'm starting on a weeping willow and a sunset theme...also the Sgt. Pepper Lonley Hearts theme...so we'll see what happens!

Oh Southern California Fires...

how I love them so...no not really.

So theres a fire that's pretty much right in my front yard...they haven't evacuated us yet, and I don't think they are because of the fire breaks that are set up here...

but its still a little freaky. The fires started up at around 3, I came home from school and took a nap with my love and I woke up to fire engines and the smell of burning wood. I decided to go outside and sure enough...a big piller of black smoke. I called my boyfriend outside and we took our bikes to the next block where we could see the line of the fires in the distance, since then we've seen the fire on and off a few miles in the distance, we've seen a ton of firefighters and the street we are on is closed to incoming traffic because its the entrance to the base where the fire is at. I'm kinda scared, but I mean we here in So. Cal dealt with this last year...it just wasnt this close to home, close...but not this close. Last year my boyfriend and I packed up because we thought we were going to be evacuated, now we're waiting a bit longer...its just crazy because we can see the firefighters, sometimes the fire, the planes (earlier today when they could fly around and drop water), and hear the planes and see the surrounding neighborhoods on the news...

My mom just called to tell me that there was a flair up and that she heard the fire broke through the fire break...so I'm checking the news.

My car is already covered in a few layers of ash, I'm kinda worried about tonight and then tomorrow when I go to work...

Pray for all of us around here, thankfully there have not been any reported casualties or homes destroyed, hopefully it stays that way.

Buh! I'm not sure if I'll be able to sleep well tonight.

Prop 8...

The ignorance of people baffles me and it makes me sick to my core knowing that people honestly think this is any way shape or form harming them!

I was on my facebook looking at what other people were posting and I ran into this post an old friend put up. It was saying how if Prop 8 passes it would be good for California because, well from what I got out of the article I read that she posted, same-sex marriages/couples cannot sue other organizations for not fulfilling the constitutional right for equal treatment. The article just reminds me of people being afraid of losing their money. I'm sorry if thats not the case...but really? It's like saying that people who are straight don't sue people who don't follow their constiutional rights. that is complete bull.

IF Proposition 8 passes in the state of California it will give the state legal right to deny same-sex marriages.

...

to sound ignorant in my own...ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?! Who in their RIGHT mind will find this anyway fair, or "equal." Isn't America supposed to have equal rights?!

Every argument I have heard has had religious backing on it, but in America isn't it supposed to be the separation between church and state? Are we not to discriminate?

The propoganda thats been put out there has stated that you are "saving" marriages. Over 50% of US marriages end in divorce, and when you have shows like "The Bachlor" "The Bachlorette", "Who wants to marry a millionair?"...what value is marriage in American society? IF you are honeslty letting people get married like that, why won't you just give the rights to people who HONESTLY love eachother?!? Who cares what sex they are, love is love.

The propoganda also makes it seem like if you vote no on prop 8 your pretty much saying that you don't want a marriage between a man and a women. That you lose that right to get married...that is complete and pure ignorance. YOU are not losing anything, YOU are not being harmed by this, the only thing YOU are doing is TAKING THE RIGHTS of marriage from others.

I'm sorry but honestly, there is

ABSOLUTLY NO reason to say that people who VOTE NO ON PROP 8 are making "God cry" (yes I'm serious, and yes it's been said).

People who VOTE NO ON PROP 8 are NOT taking the rights away from heterosexuals to get married.

People who VOTE NO ON PROP 8 are NOT saying they don't believe in marriage.

If anything people who VOTE NO ON PROP 8 are ones stating that they do believe in marriage, they do believe in love, and that no one in their life should be denied that.


If all you can give me is a religious argument...then honestly it's not worth your time stating it to me and worth my time arguing with you my only statement is, let God be the judge in the decisions of an individual, not YOU.

I'm tired of hearing and seeing propoganda put out there that states "Save marriages", "Man + Women Only"...etc. No one is taking anything away from you except your blinding pride...

I'm tired I have a headache and I hate talking politics, so do what you will when you read this, get irritated, get mad, get passionate, at least your listening and at least your opening your mind.

-J